Self respect - to protect

For some it is difficult to reach a level of self respect where one would admit the need to protect onesself from the insensitivities of loved ones. Over and over one can be pained and disrespected by others whose love has been proclaimed and then trespassed again and again. At what point does one say, " Enough!" and set a clear boundary. At what point do simple apologies and lack of repentance become inadequate? It would be at that point where hope leaves and frank realization occurs that respect from those persons may never be forthcoming. It is at the point where the other holds an arrogance of their own "rightness" in such esteem that acceptance and consideration of differences cannot cohabit. It is from such a cavalier attitude that this one protects herself. When allies are distant and nurturance comes only from self and Creator, on one's less traveled path, one must, for a time, withdraw from those whose focus is their own impulsive desires.

Risky Business

I have my daughter back for a few days after she found that the Chicago adventure was not what had been hoped for. Risks we take in making our lives livable cannot be helped. Moving forward always in order to create challenges for ourselves are essential for the intelligent and dynamic beings. Diana risks in travel and relationships and I risk in my own areas of living based upon my life experiences and time upon this planet.

I prefer not at all to be a contingency plan for anyone, but a definate. Someone to be realized, understood, enjoyed and planned for. I suppose I continue to meet and expose myself to people in order to find such another whom I can see and experience as well. Until then I risk self...I open and give in order to find the look of realization in someone's eye...one who may see me as a book to become co-author, and not just a disposable pen with which to write a small chapter.

Touching base rather firmly

I tried to post something after working on it off and on for awhile and lost it, so I had to walk away from it until the muse returned to sit on my shoulder again.
My daughter is now so far from me that we will be unable to pop out for dinner, a lunch, a movie or the rare shopping trip. In fact I have no social support on this lovely mountain at all. One may wonder why that is, after 16 years living in a place I have no one to call friend. Well, partly it is due to the fact that when one is married, one makes friends....together. Then there is divorce. People do not always know what to do with half of a friendship. They are either compelled to ask about the "sore" subject and deal with either the lack of response or too much of a story that they would rather not hear about the other half that they knew of as friend. Another little difficulty is that when my "other half" left the mountain he left behind, apparently, a legacy of lies. I was slandered in my community and because he was the the visible and larger than life personality and I was the quiet support behind the "star" he was believed. In fact I am convinced by his responses post departure, that he believed his own lies as well.

I have choices, to be sure. We always have choices to make. One I have made is to move from here by this time next year. I will spend the upcoming months driving about, looking for what is available, in my mental health care field, in areas that I feel will afford me a society that I prefer and yet not move too far from my mother, who will soon be needing my help due to age and level of frailty.

Until then I work.

Aloneness allows nakedness

Ah Spring...Time for life renewable. Time for new resolve and self-support. Sitting outside the shower, dried and pantied, I rest and feel the mountain chill surrounding my flesh. Moderated vulnerability, with the blinds partly opened, the furnace thermostat set at sixty with piloerection sweeping over me from time to time, I pause to decide whether life will stop or continue. Today it will continue.

The choices one makes to become open - really open to another is a hopeful move.

"Here, see my heart. See this secret." Then one moves this piece of one's life closer to the other in open, outstretched hand. "You may have this to keep. It is a most tender treasure that is generally kept in a very deep and protected place, but you may have it so that you will be assured that I love and trust you with...me. If you wish to look into this fortress, you have but to ask and I will open the doors wider for you."

Year after year and decade upon decade the offerings are made and received by the other. They are saved and they are used. The treasures are taken out and before this face and are slapped and dropped and pissed on and thrown out as though they do not even exist or even worse, as though they are lies. But noooo....this is me, I am real and I love openly and deeply. I show you that it is possible to love and trust and not die in the process.

But year after year and decade upon decade death can creep up and begin to cover those thrown away pieces of self. Year after year one can begin to dissipate. Decade upon decade one can begin to dissolve. Alas, there is a time to leave before death envelopes, before complete dissolution of self becomes the reality. Then for that joining there is utter hopelessness and death of that once hoped for joyous loving union.

At the closed gate, locked firmly now against that care-less partner, one bids a final good bye and forgets that hopeful truth which, in fact was naught but lies. Turning from that now the clothing drops once again and passing one and then the other I seek recognition of soul from another soul who knows what a treasure is when he sees it and who has his fortress door ajar.