I tried to post something after working on it off and on for awhile and lost it, so I had to walk away from it until the muse returned to sit on my shoulder again.
My daughter is now so far from me that we will be unable to pop out for dinner, a lunch, a movie or the rare shopping trip. In fact I have no social support on this lovely mountain at all. One may wonder why that is, after 16 years living in a place I have no one to call friend. Well, partly it is due to the fact that when one is married, one makes friends....together. Then there is divorce. People do not always know what to do with half of a friendship. They are either compelled to ask about the "sore" subject and deal with either the lack of response or too much of a story that they would rather not hear about the other half that they knew of as friend. Another little difficulty is that when my "other half" left the mountain he left behind, apparently, a legacy of lies. I was slandered in my community and because he was the the visible and larger than life personality and I was the quiet support behind the "star" he was believed. In fact I am convinced by his responses post departure, that he believed his own lies as well.
I have choices, to be sure. We always have choices to make. One I have made is to move from here by this time next year. I will spend the upcoming months driving about, looking for what is available, in my mental health care field, in areas that I feel will afford me a society that I prefer and yet not move too far from my mother, who will soon be needing my help due to age and level of frailty.
Until then I work.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Aloneness allows nakedness
Ah Spring...Time for life renewable. Time for new resolve and self-support. Sitting outside the shower, dried and pantied, I rest and feel the mountain chill surrounding my flesh. Moderated vulnerability, with the blinds partly opened, the furnace thermostat set at sixty with piloerection sweeping over me from time to time, I pause to decide whether life will stop or continue. Today it will continue.
The choices one makes to become open - really open to another is a hopeful move.
"Here, see my heart. See this secret." Then one moves this piece of one's life closer to the other in open, outstretched hand. "You may have this to keep. It is a most tender treasure that is generally kept in a very deep and protected place, but you may have it so that you will be assured that I love and trust you with...me. If you wish to look into this fortress, you have but to ask and I will open the doors wider for you."
Year after year and decade upon decade the offerings are made and received by the other. They are saved and they are used. The treasures are taken out and before this face and are slapped and dropped and pissed on and thrown out as though they do not even exist or even worse, as though they are lies. But noooo....this is me, I am real and I love openly and deeply. I show you that it is possible to love and trust and not die in the process.
But year after year and decade upon decade death can creep up and begin to cover those thrown away pieces of self. Year after year one can begin to dissipate. Decade upon decade one can begin to dissolve. Alas, there is a time to leave before death envelopes, before complete dissolution of self becomes the reality. Then for that joining there is utter hopelessness and death of that once hoped for joyous loving union.
At the closed gate, locked firmly now against that care-less partner, one bids a final good bye and forgets that hopeful truth which, in fact was naught but lies. Turning from that now the clothing drops once again and passing one and then the other I seek recognition of soul from another soul who knows what a treasure is when he sees it and who has his fortress door ajar.
The choices one makes to become open - really open to another is a hopeful move.
"Here, see my heart. See this secret." Then one moves this piece of one's life closer to the other in open, outstretched hand. "You may have this to keep. It is a most tender treasure that is generally kept in a very deep and protected place, but you may have it so that you will be assured that I love and trust you with...me. If you wish to look into this fortress, you have but to ask and I will open the doors wider for you."
Year after year and decade upon decade the offerings are made and received by the other. They are saved and they are used. The treasures are taken out and before this face and are slapped and dropped and pissed on and thrown out as though they do not even exist or even worse, as though they are lies. But noooo....this is me, I am real and I love openly and deeply. I show you that it is possible to love and trust and not die in the process.
But year after year and decade upon decade death can creep up and begin to cover those thrown away pieces of self. Year after year one can begin to dissipate. Decade upon decade one can begin to dissolve. Alas, there is a time to leave before death envelopes, before complete dissolution of self becomes the reality. Then for that joining there is utter hopelessness and death of that once hoped for joyous loving union.
At the closed gate, locked firmly now against that care-less partner, one bids a final good bye and forgets that hopeful truth which, in fact was naught but lies. Turning from that now the clothing drops once again and passing one and then the other I seek recognition of soul from another soul who knows what a treasure is when he sees it and who has his fortress door ajar.
Saturday, June 26, 2004
thinking more than saying
Yes, well, I started this on a day when I had desired to share with the world my thoughts. Most of the time, actually, I simply prefer just to think my thoughts and not share them unless asked. This blog thing is voluntary and so open, and my mind moves in so many directions that it seems rather difficult to pin it down to coherance. I should probably interview myself and see if I really have anything truly interesting to say on a given topic.
Politics - nah. What's the use on that one. I will vote when election time is here, but do I really feel that I can make a difference that way...no.
Finances or business - again...no. Though I would wish to be more financially comfortable than I am, I don't have the ambition or willingness to give up my leisure and personal enrichment time to amass wealth.
Religion - I do have opinions based on many years of reading, discussions, and experiences, but I would save such discussions for dialogues and message boards.
World events - crushingly disturbing and traumatic - war is truly hell, regardless of what other label it is given and how it is waged. Simply horrible...but it will always be with us, I fear...always. If I subject myself to the images and the repetitive proclamations of what is going on I will sink into a hopeless sadness. I will pray and look away.
Relationships - I have much to say on this subject, for it is something that has been an interest of mine throughout my life, in one way or another. Many dynamics here always complex....
And then I lost interest for months...either that or I was frustrated due to forgetting how my handle was assembled....from June 2004 to April of 2005...~sighs~ ah well...too busy living and relating to deal with putting thoughts down for posterity.
Politics - nah. What's the use on that one. I will vote when election time is here, but do I really feel that I can make a difference that way...no.
Finances or business - again...no. Though I would wish to be more financially comfortable than I am, I don't have the ambition or willingness to give up my leisure and personal enrichment time to amass wealth.
Religion - I do have opinions based on many years of reading, discussions, and experiences, but I would save such discussions for dialogues and message boards.
World events - crushingly disturbing and traumatic - war is truly hell, regardless of what other label it is given and how it is waged. Simply horrible...but it will always be with us, I fear...always. If I subject myself to the images and the repetitive proclamations of what is going on I will sink into a hopeless sadness. I will pray and look away.
Relationships - I have much to say on this subject, for it is something that has been an interest of mine throughout my life, in one way or another. Many dynamics here always complex....
And then I lost interest for months...either that or I was frustrated due to forgetting how my handle was assembled....from June 2004 to April of 2005...~sighs~ ah well...too busy living and relating to deal with putting thoughts down for posterity.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Her Life Goes On
I'm not quite sure who might be interested in reading what I have to say, but if there is such a person and I receive some kind of feedback, perhaps it will be beneficial.
Unless I date and write things down I don't tend to remember many details about my life because I conceptualize much of it. I am an observer and a listener. I should have listed myself as "The Data Gatherer" I think, but for the fact that I tend to go against many grains and hit the "dissonant" chord in the symphony of life in a number of ways.
"you are so nice." "you are such a good person"
Perhaps I do present that way because I see no sense in offering most people my inner life disruptions. I feel, also, that there is plenty of pain in this existence without my adding to it purposely. So, as a friend always says, " I try to always take the high road."
Unless I date and write things down I don't tend to remember many details about my life because I conceptualize much of it. I am an observer and a listener. I should have listed myself as "The Data Gatherer" I think, but for the fact that I tend to go against many grains and hit the "dissonant" chord in the symphony of life in a number of ways.
"you are so nice." "you are such a good person"
Perhaps I do present that way because I see no sense in offering most people my inner life disruptions. I feel, also, that there is plenty of pain in this existence without my adding to it purposely. So, as a friend always says, " I try to always take the high road."
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